just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize