I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
