but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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