Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
