Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
