and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
