My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
