I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
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