Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
