I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
