I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
So. Much. Porn.
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