no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
you had me at cake vodka
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
