the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
