I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
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