Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
