I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
