Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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