i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
