when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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