I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
