his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
