the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
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