i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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