Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
