Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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