its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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