Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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