I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
should my penis look like a turkey
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
