When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
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