I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
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