we have pet lesbian snakes
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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