i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
