So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize