just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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