im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
