shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize