Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
