Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
