Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
this hospital has no fireball
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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