I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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