I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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