So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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