I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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