the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
foreskin is a definite game changer
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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