A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize