btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
