Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
