Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
