Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
