Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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