I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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