dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Randomize
