In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
So squirting runs in the family.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize