I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
