I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
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