I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
