dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Randomize
